A Decision is Made

For several weeks now, I've been weighed down by a dilemma.  Something that I started with such joy several years ago is now a burden. Something that I used to look forward to each week with excitement I've now started to view with dread.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Do I quit?  Do I stay?  Do I muddle through, getting progressively more depressed and anxious about it or do I cut my losses, say "It's been fun," and leave?

Don't worry, it's not my job.  I'm still very happy there.

I thought, maybe I'm just going through a dull patch and things will get better.  I thought, I just need to gaman and it will be fine.  I thought, if I can just get through these next few weeks, I'll start enjoying it once again and I'll start looking forward to the next week.  Unfortunately, this has not been the case and as of last week, I made a tentative decision to quit the activity.  Still, that decision weighed on me. 

Was it the right decision?  I worried that I could lose friends over this decision.  Was it the wrong decision?  I worried that I would lose a part of me if I stayed.  I waffled back and forth.  Were my friends worth my peace of mind?  I was tying myself in knots.  My shoulders were so tight, I felt like I was stuck in a permanent slump.

Then, earlier this week, I recieved what I am taking to be a sign.  An email that, in its very tone and subject, highlighted, with a flourescent marker, a good portion of what I felt to be amiss with the activity and some of those involved.  I felt it showed a lack of trust and respect towards me.  The email seemed condescending.  It angered me. 

I wanted to respond in kind and let the sender know exactly what I felt.  A part of me wanted to quit right then and there.

I wanted to ignore it and pretend it hadn't been sent.  A part of me thought, surely the sender didn't realize how the email sounded.

The stress I'd been feeling manifested itself as a tension headache like I've never had before, lasting a day and a half.  The slightest thing made me want to cry.  I couldn't focus on work.

All this for something that used to be fun.  

When your body starts to react physically to stress, something has to give.  When the rest of your life is being affected by stress, it is time to eliminate the stressor.  So, I'll finish out my obligation, I don't want to burn any bridges.

But, I've made up my mind.  It's not worth it, not any more.  I am at peace with that.

And, the headache is gone.